Hi, I've been following for a while and I guess I'm wondering how polyamorous relationships work? More specifically how does one balance a wife + other partners (and what's the point of marriage if you're balancing multiple people?) no judgement, just curious. thanks!
The basic rundown of polyamory is being open to multiple relationships. Most importantly is that it means you are open to being in multiple emotional relationships. It’s not like being a swinger where the point is sex. That’s the basics. But like anything involving sex and interpersonal relationships, everyone will be different and most people will deviate from the basic definition. People balance different relationships much the same way you would balance having multiple friends; by making time for each person in your life. Actually, I’m going to go into a metaphor. Let’s look at pokemon. Now, in the cartoon Ash had tons of pokemon but Pikachu was clearly his number 1. In poly, we’d call that a primary partner. They are the focus of your attentions, your main person. But just because someone is your primary doesn’t mean they are yours. My current girlfriend is my primary partner, but her fiancee is her primary (and thank god they don’t seem to be sticking to a strict hierarchical set up because people abuse that sometimes). Back to Ash and Pikachu. Pikachu is Ash’s go to. His buddy. But Pikachu is an electric type and can’t fulfill all of Ash’s battle needs. So Ash goes out and builds a team of different types to fulfill different needs. But he still loves Pikachu and Pikachu still loves him. And the other pokemon are also fine with things (except Charizard but Charizard is a dick) and Ash gives them attention and tries to train them too. They all mean something and get love and respect, Pikachu is just the one who gets to chill on Ash’s shoulder. For whatever reason, Ash and Pikachu just have a bond that is deeper. Poly people who get married are just making a declaration of their love as monogamous people would by getting married. It’s also important to remember that a lot of people don’t explore poly until after they have a cemented long term relationship like a marriage. And while multiple people can’t be legally married, people in triads or someone with multiple partners can have ceremonies and move in together as you would for a marriage (minus all the nifty legal rights). Now let’s look at someone like Misty who has several pokemon she cares for. Misty (if I remember correctly) never really had a number one pokemon. She had several that she chose for battle (until Togepi happened but Togepi is better suited to child analogies) and all of them were important to her. Misty does not have a primary pokemon, instead having a more egalitarian group. This is also a valid form of polyamory. It is totally normal for someone to not set up a hierarchy and have each of their partners be equals. Now let’s look at the game. If you use a cheat and get a Mewtwo and feed it shit tons of rare candies, then all you need is Mewtwo. Good for you, finding the Mewtwo of your dreams. But if you don’t want to have just a Mewtwo, you can build a team. And in order to do that you have to build up each member of that team. You can’t just have one pokemon at the top of your roster that comes out first on every fight and then five other pokemon who you barely talk to. You have to put something into all of those pokemon and take time for it. Sure, you may still have some pokemon that you favor a teensy bit more but you don’t have a totally unbalanced team where you have two strong pokemon and then one down at level 3 who’s just there because you thought they were pretty (I totally based my pokemon teams off of looks, ngl). Now, some people collect partners like Ash collected pokemon. And what happens in the game when you do that? You never see most of the pokemon you’ve caught. They sit in the computer, never gaining experience, never going on adventures. Because you only have room for so many in your backpack (or however you carried pokemon in that game, I was never sure. Was it a belt of some kind?). That pokemon is yours but does it really feel like the two of you are forming or keeping a bond? Unlike with pokemon, real life doesn’t have a set limit on how many partners you can have. But things like your time, energy, location to on another, all those things will affect how many partners someone can have. And hey, each partner can be different. You may have a long distance partner. Or you may have a partner who is only there for kink stuff. You may have multiple long term relationships going. Those relationships may intersect and you can form triads or polygons (which, btw, one of my least fav pokemon. They were fucking useless). Or maybe your partners will go off and also have partners. Or maybe they won’t because they only want you. And maybe someone has multiple partners just because they fell for other people. Someone who is married going out and finding a significant other doesn’t mean their spouse isn’t meeting all their needs. It doesn’t mean the marriage is falling apart or that divorce is imminent. It could just mean that they met someone else who really did it for them. We see that in movies all the time but the end of those stories usually results in having to choose between two loves. I mean, imagine how much nicer playing pokemon would have been if you didn’t have to choose between Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle at the start? I liked all of them, I shouldn’t have to choose based on limited information, I mean, I just met these little powerhouses and you just want me to pick one and then leave two behind without getting a chance to know them? Stop forcing your heteronormativity on me, Professor Oak.
“Take boots, for example. [Vimes] earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.
But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that’d still be keeping his feet dry in ten years’ time, while a poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.”—
When was the last time Someone said You’re only allowed to love one parent. Choose wisely. You’re only allowed to love one pet. Choose wisely. You’re only allowed to love one child. Choose wisely. You’re only allowed to love one sibling. Choose wisely.
So why do people say You’re only allowed to love one person. Choose wisely.
“Why is the term “friend zone” so popular when the term “unrequited love” already exists and is more accurate? I suspect it’s because it shifts the locus of responsibility. “Unrequited love” focuses on the person who has the crush. The feelings being discussed are the crushing person’s, thus the responsibility in on them to get over their crush and move on. “Friend zone”, on the other hand, focuses on the crush object’s choices. The phrase erases the agency of the crushing person. All blame for their pain is put on the crush object. “Unrequited love” is something that can happen to both sexes, but “friend zone” is a sexist concept that implies that women are solely responsible for men’s happiness, and not men themselves.”—Amanda Marcotte’s post on Feminism | Latest updates on Sulia (via veruca-assault)
As someone who is child free by choice its nice to read something like this.
I’ve never wanted to children, for as long as I can remember I’ve never wanted them. I never played with baby dolls or pretend to be mother. Im tired of trying to justify my choices to strangers, doctors, professionals and sometimes even friends